CARMEL, INDIANA (The Borowitz Document)—Mike Pence has published that he ceaselessly concealed at the back of categorized paperwork to forestall girls who weren’t his spouse from lusting after him.
Talking to newshounds outdoor his house in Indiana, Pence mentioned that his “largest worry” was once eating on my own in a cafe and being accosted through girls “hellbent on seducing me.”
“Each time conceivable, I’d deliver Mom,” he mentioned. “But if she wasn’t to be had I’d cover my face at the back of categorized paperwork.”
The previous Vice-President was hoping that the American other people would perceive his the use of secret paperwork as “a masks of types” to stay Pence-crazed girls from hurling themselves at him.
“Individuals are announcing that having categorized paperwork in my private ownership was once fallacious,” he mentioned. “All I ask is they believe the human value—day in, day trip—of being as horny as Mike Pence.”