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Hi, I’m Your Best Friend Who Can Rationalize Anything!

Do not beat yourself up about this. It’s totally O.K. that you snoozed your alarm and slept past 10 A.M. on a Tuesday. Not only is it O.K. but it’s probably for the best. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve been to one or two before, and if your body needed the sleep then it was a hundred per cent the healthy thing to do. You know, I think I read somewhere that some people just aren’t morning people? Like, biologically. Clearly, you’re just wired to stay up until 4 A.M. watching “Love Island” and then to sleep until lunch. Your ancestors were probably night hunters or whatever. Besides, you really think it would’ve been better if you showed up to the morning meeting on time? Please. You would have been so groggy that you wouldn’t have even been able to contribute. At least now you’re well rested and can tell your entire team about how Kendra stole Ken from Angela at the final fire-pit ceremony and what a heinous B. Kendra is and also how her boobs seem fake.

Oh, my gosh, you can’t be serious. Your boss is mad? That you were two hours late because of your biology? And that you “distracted and disturbed” your colleagues by talking about Kendra’s bowling-ball breasts for twenty minutes? I’m sorry, that is literally insane. Has your boss ever heard of a little something called work-life balance? It’s what the Scandinavian countries do, and the people there are, like, a billion times happier and more productive. Quite factually, taking time out of the workday to tell your team about the reality show that you stayed up all night watching and that made you late to the office is healthy for everyone. It builds camaraderie. Camaraderie is what makes people like their jobs. Your boss is a freakin’ idiot.

What? I can’t believe this. You’re fired? O.K., you know what? This sucks and you need a drink. Maybe four. I know that you’re unemployed, but now is not the time to start worrying about money. You can do that tomorrow. Tonight, let’s just focus on the fact that something unjust and absolutely horrible happened to you through no fault of your own, and you should get to enjoy at least five eighteen-dollar cocktails without feeling guilty about it. And obviously you need a couple slices of pizza. As a base.

Repeat after me: “I am amazing.” Seriously. I’m not going to let you spiral here. You had the worst day in history plus five Martinis. Of course you punched that old guy in the face! Honestly, anyone in your situation would have. He bumped into you. Accidentally, sure, but how were you supposed to know that? He could have been a murderer. You swung in self-defense. I really don’t understand why you’re giving yourself such a hard time about this. So you punched an elderly stranger. It happens! It doesn’t, like, make you a bad person.

Neither does pushing him onto the subway tracks, by the way. I mean, what choice did you have? He was ranting about going to the police! What exactly were you supposed to do? Let him ruin your life? I don’t think so. Can I ask you a question? I hope this isn’t offensive, but are you in therapy? It just seems to me like you really second-guess yourself a lot. You need to learn how to put yourself first. You’re young with your whole life ahead of you! That guy probably had only ten, fifteen years left. Choosing yourself is never the wrong choice. Actually, when we prioritize ourselves it empowers those around us. I read that on Instagram.

Look, I’m not saying that this was the best night of your life. It’s O.K. to wallow for a bit. Finish the pint of ice cream, etcetera. Tomorrow is a new day. You can wake up early. Go for a run. Start looking for a new job. Ask God for forgiveness. You have so much amazing shit ahead of you, because you are amazing. Get a good night’s sleep, and you’ll start fresh in the morning.

Oh, look! Netflix just dropped a new season of “Love Island”! You’ve had such a hard day. Go ahead. You deserve it.


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